Ugly self and stolen moments.

Those quiet moments, stolen from a busy day. Snuggling on the couch with my little ones.
Mama, read me the First Christmas Story.
They just wanted to be snuggled and held and read-to this morning. I fought back those terrible words that have bothered me and haunted me all week. Leave me alone. Why can't you play by yourself. Don't you see I'm trying to get something done around here? Words I've had to keep inside my head, push down and fight against.

I'm not sure why I've had such a hard time this week. It's not because we're extra-busy. It's not because I'm overly stressed. The sinful selfishness keeps raising it's ugly head. Reminding me that I just can't do this parenting thing by myself. I'm a sinner trying to raise little sinful children to be something more. To be Godly and wise. Patient and gentle. And boy it sure stinks to see how ugly I am inside. Thank God for Grace.

This morning I had a few stolen quiet moments with Forest. The boys had left for breakfast and I snuggled on the couch with him. We smiled and laughed at each other and I just looked at this handsome boy who has my heart. Who a year ago was so upset and miserable all the time. Who made me wonder if I'd survive this parenting thing.

And now he makes me laugh. Every day. Even when he empties my recipes all over the floor. Again. (Project for 2011- get recipes into a book format and throw out those cards that get everywhere!)

So today we played in a make-shift fort. We read books. We played with tinker-toys. I let Shannon tape up the Christmas presents and color on the oh-so-pretty packages that I had dreams of perfection. I think Brian & Anna won't mind Shannon's scratchings.

Until tomorrow. Love.


Janet said…
Ahhh...welcome to real motherhood! Anyone can parent in the fun moments, but it takes a special woman to parent in the hard moments. It's what will set you apart. There are hard, hard days and days that you will fail. It's a matter of getting up and starting again and knowing that apart from God, parenting CANNOT be done well. There just isn't enough strength and resolve in our humanness to do it on our own. Love you.
Fred said…
from your Mom: Oh how I remember those words that we hate our selves for saying:can't you leave me alone!!
And now I have 12 hours a day - alone...enjoy them. You're doing a great job of giving them lots of time and attention. Keep up the good work.

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